ah.... *sigh*

So, like, today I cried at work.



I think it was a build up of problems that caused my bottle cap to pop. I wasn't sure when I was supposed to make more distilled water or not because they never tell me anything and when I ask they ask me why I didn't know because they claim they told me when they never did! SO WTF! So yeah, my senior co-worker demanded to know why I didn't make more distilled water when I recall her telling me not to make more because it takes too much time. Mixing frustration and anger and pinches of all sorts of emotional shit I locked myself in the washroom for a good 15 or so minutes and flooded. Then the co-worker started to get angry at me, asking why I wouldn't come out. And after 3 attempts at getting me out (and exclaiming that she'd call my MOM to come GET ME -- WTF D: D: D:) I finally came out just to get put on the spotlight by demanding answers for questions I do not intend on answering, especially to her. She had no sympathy nor kindness at the time, which upset me even more and just wanted her to go away, since my lunch was getting cold. Then I built up a giant headache just to top off the day.



Which reminds me... right before I went to work I realized that this job is just another Daiso... and more. Instead of physical stress, there'd be mental stress. My nasty supervisor vs. my appearance deceiving co-worker. The pay's the damn same. Here, I'd be almost like school.. where I have to memorize terms in which THEY mispronounce, causing ME to mispronounce and write incorrectly. And damn, didn't I start working _BECAUSE_ I HATED school? Wtf.



Yeah, apparently there's something wrong with me. Why am I still doing this???



A few reasons. My aunt put in a lot of effort to get me this job. My parents (at least my mom) is proud of a job like this. My bro (being a mole though...) wants me to do this.



Another reason why I dislike this job though... I didn't put in my own effort into getting it. ((Unless I'm really interested in the job, I would care less about effort. :p)) They didn't look at me and my prior job positions and judged me as so. I didn't go through the crucial interview where my past experiences are questioned. Perhaps I feel that I don't deserve such a job either. Cuz really... I don't. I sure feel like I don't. At all. I so feel out of place.



Shit so why I am holding back? I'm a facking chicken. I can't put up enough courage together to bring it up. To neither my mom or at work. Go pathetic me.



But really... I cried over this 3 times already (I think). Once with my brother, once by myself and again today. I think there's something seriously wrong. The second time, I asked the Lord for assistance and indeed he calmed my heart then. I asked him again now what I am to do but... I don't know what kind of response to expect and in what form either. The longer I wait, the harder it gets. And if the Lord's working through my mom.. then there's something REALLY wrong with that too because talking to my mom sucks. She has her own ideals and everytime you try to talk to her about a problem, she talks about what you do not what to hear and makes you feel even worse about yourself than before.... like she did earlier today.



Now if I'm fretting over this job so badly... I suppose something must be done.



And it should be done soon.